Rina Louw | Clinical Social Worker & Jungian Sandplay Therapist🌿
🌱 Introduction
“Why is my child so rude?”
This is one of the most common questions I hear from parents and teachers.
A child talks back.
Uses inappropriate words.
Interrupts constantly.
Says things that feel sharp, disrespectful, or even hurtful.
And the natural response is:
“That’s rude.”
But what if what looks like disrespect…
is actually a child struggling to regulate their brain and emotions?
What looks like “rude behaviour” in children
Many children—especially those with ADHD or neurodiverse profiles—may:
- Blurt things out without thinking
- Interrupt conversations
- Use harsh or inappropriate words
- Struggle to wait their turn
- React quickly and intensely
To adults, this can feel like defiance or disrespect.
But often, it is not intentional.
What is really happening in the brain
Children with ADHD are not choosing to be rude.
They are often dealing with:
- Impulse control difficulties
(the brain acts before it reflects) - Emotional overflow
(feelings come too fast and too strong) - Processing differences
(they respond before fully understanding the moment)
In simple terms:
👉 The child’s brain is moving faster than their ability to regulate it.
And language becomes the place where that shows.
ADHD and language: Why words come out “wrong”
For many children, especially those with ADHD:
- Thoughts come quickly
- Emotions rise quickly
- Words come out immediately
There is very little pause between:
feeling → thinking → speaking
So instead of:
“I feel frustrated”
You might hear:
“You’re stupid!” or “I hate this!”
Not because the child is disrespectful—
but because the filter is not yet developed.
🌿 My Perspective: Behaviour is Communication
In my work with children, I don’t only look at behaviour on the surface.
I understand behaviour through four important lenses:
- Developmental
Where is the child in their emotional and cognitive development? - Neurological
What is happening in the brain (impulse control, regulation)? - Emotional
What is the child feeling but unable to express? - Symbolic
What is the behaviour trying to communicate underneath?
From this perspective:
👉 Behaviour is not the problem.
👉 Behaviour is the message.
What your child actually needs in that moment
When a child speaks in a way that feels “rude,” correction alone is not enough.
They need regulation before instruction.
Instead of saying:
❌ “Don’t talk like that!”
Try:
✔ “That came out very fast… let’s try that again slowly.”
✔ “Your words sound sharp. What are you feeling?”
✔ “Pause… I’m listening.”
✔ “Let’s find better words for that feeling.”
What you are doing here is powerful:
- Slowing the moment
- Helping the child organise their experience
- Teaching regulation—not just behaviour
- https://1drv.ms/w/c/8d57395fa9811e4d/IQCmaLSwAtz2TbiLuWr4Cx2oAaHEPWes8aozp76rR_pQeCg?e=qIxcfE
A small but important note
Not all children who use harsh or inappropriate language have ADHD.
However, children with ADHD often struggle with impulse control and emotional regulation, which can affect how they speak.
Shifting the way we see the child
Not every “rude” word is disrespect.
Sometimes it is:
- A fast nervous system
- An overwhelmed emotional state
- A child without the words for what they feel
When we shift from:
👉 “This is bad behaviour”
To:
👉 “What is this behaviour trying to tell me?”
We move from correction… to connection.
Final reflection
Your child is not trying to push you away.
They may simply not yet know how to:
- slow down
- organise their feelings
- express themselves safely
And in that space…
you become the one who helps them find those words.
🌿 Support for Parents
If you are struggling to understand your child’s behaviour,
I offer individual sessions where we explore:
- Emotional regulation
- Behaviour as communication
- Healing through play and symbolic expression