Understanding Secure Attachment in Children (Insights from The Body Keeps the Score, Chapter 7)
Sandplay Therapy • Child Attachment • Emotional Regulation
Introduction
Parents often ask:
“Is my child emotionally secure?”
In Chapter 7 of The Body Keeps the Score, trauma researcher Bessel van der Kolk explains that secure attachment is not created through perfect parenting, but through consistent emotional attunement.
Secure attachment allows a child’s nervous system to feel safe enough to explore, play, and return for comfort.
It is the foundation of emotional regulation, learning, and healthy relationships.
What Is Secure Attachment?
Secure attachment develops when a child repeatedly experiences that their caregiver is:
- Emotionally present
- Predictable enough
- Responsive to distress
- Able to help the child return to calm
Over time, the child internalises an embodied sense of safety:
“When I am upset, someone notices.”
“When I need help, someone comes.”
This sense of safety is learned in the body, not through words.
Secure Attachment Is a Nervous System Experience
Van der Kolk emphasises that attachment is not primarily behavioural or cognitive — it is physiological.
Secure attachment forms through right-brain-to-right-brain communication, including:
- Eye contact
- Facial expression
- Tone of voice
- Touch
- Rhythm and timing
When a caregiver responds with calm presence, the child’s nervous system learns how to settle.
This regulation makes it possible for the child to:
- Focus and learn
- Play creatively
- Manage frustration
- Build relationships
Secure attachment supports emotional regulation, not emotional suppression.
What Secure Attachment Looks Like in Everyday Life
Children with secure attachment still experience big feelings.
The difference lies in recovery and repair.
Secure attachment in children often looks like:
- Exploring freely and returning for reassurance
- Being upset — and recovering
- Asking for help when needed
- Showing curiosity and imagination
- Tolerating small frustrations
These behaviours signal a nervous system that trusts support is available.
Secure Attachment and Play
One of the clearest signs of secure attachment is play.
Van der Kolk highlights that when a child feels safe, play becomes:
- Flexible
- Imaginative
- Symbolic
- Exploratory
In Sandplay Therapy, children with secure attachment often:
- Use space freely
- Create stories
- Move between independence and connection
- Show curiosity rather than control
Play reveals emotional safety long before a child can explain it.
“Good Enough” Parenting Builds Secure Attachment
A crucial reassurance for parents:
Secure attachment does not require perfection.
Van der Kolk explains that secure attachment develops when caregivers respond most of the time, not all the time.
Repair matters more than never getting it wrong.
Moments of reconnection — listening, apologising, comforting — strengthen attachment and resilience.
When Secure Attachment Has Been Interrupted
Stress, trauma, illness, loss, or overwhelming circumstances can disrupt secure attachment, even in loving families.
This does not mean attachment is damaged beyond repair.
Children’s nervous systems remain plastic, especially when supported through relationship and play.
How Sandplay Therapy Supports Secure Attachment
Sandplay Therapy provides a safe, non-verbal therapeutic space where children can express what they cannot yet put into words.
Through symbols, play, and imagination, children can:
- Experience felt safety
- Regulate emotions naturally
- Rebuild trust
- Strengthen attachment
As Van der Kolk reminds us, healing occurs through felt safety and embodied experience, not only through talking.
Conclusion
Secure attachment allows a child to experience, without words:
“I can play because someone is holding the background.”
When children feel safe, play flows naturally.
That is not luck — it is connection.
And when connection has been disrupted, therapeutic support can help restore emotional safety and resilience.
Call to Action
If you are concerned about your child’s emotional regulation, attachment, or play behaviour, Sandplay Therapy may offer gentle and effective support.
đź“© Contact me to learn more about Sandplay Therapy for primary-school children.
https://rinalouwclinical.co.za/safe_and_free_space_for_school/: Secure Attachment: When a Child Feels Safe Enough to Play🛝⛹️‍♀️ https://rinalouwclinical.co.za/jungian_-difference_-between_-image_-and-_symbol/: Secure Attachment: When a Child Feels Safe Enough to Play🛝⛹️‍♀️
“Secure attachment in children expressed through safe play and emotional connection”