The Busy Couple’s Guide to Sharing Fondness and Admiration

“The things I do for the family are barely noticed I have to do everything and nothing I do seems good enough.”

“WE never spend time together. I know our lives are jam-packed, but sometimes I feel so alone.”

I heard these comments from Sam and Neelham (not their real names). Like so many, they invested enormous time and energy into their jobs and their kids. In the process, they seemed to lose sight of each other. Their relationship was on the back burner. At the same time, their commitment to getting things right led them to do some quality control at home. They critiqued each other at every turn. Neither one felt important in the other’s life, nor did they feel valued. Husbands often feel like they are just there to bring money home. while women feel torn between work and kids.

RECONNECTION FOR BUSY COUPLES

Sam and Neelam agreed to work on a re-connecting strategy. We agreed on the following:

1. They agreed to actively look for ways of letting the other person know that they are important and valued.

For example: Sam is helping with house chores after work and fetching Peter at the after-school centre.

Neelam began checking in with Sam in the middle of the day to see how he was doing.

Both agreed to begin shutting off the sound on their phone at dinner time so they could concentrate on their conversation without distractions.

2. They began focusing on what they cherish in each other and sharing those thoughts regularly.

For example:

When Neelam noticed Sam playing with the kids, she let him know that she thinks he’s a fun and loving dad.

When Sam took time to listen to’s con Neelam’s conflicting thoughts and emotions about her boss, Neelam shared her gratitude.

3. They added a few new rituals of connection. These are things that you do regularly that show deep affection.

For example:

They usually kissed each other good night but decided to also have a few moments of cuddling before sleep.

After learning about the health benefits of the six-second kiss (a German study showed that men live an average of ten years longer if they do this each morning), they chose to give each other a long kiss before beginning their workday.

4. Planning weekly couple time or date nights became a priority. They searched for “at-home date nights” and got lots of wonderful ideas for things to do after the kids were asleep.

5. They made sure that they carved out at least twenty minutes each day to speak.

This was particularly difficult because of their children.  After some trial and error, they found that if they let the dishes soak after dinner and instead of cleaning, took that time to sit down and talk about the day. This became another ritual of connection.

6. They began talking about their sex life and sharing what they liked.

This was a little awkward at first, but overcoming this and taking the time to talk about sex made them both feel desired. These discussions—and their recognition that sometimes sex had to be planned to fit into busy schedules—raised the pleasure of their intimacy to a new level. 

A NEW CULTURE OF APPRECIATION

It took Sarina and Sean several months to slowly build these activities into their daily lives, but they both reported that it was time well spent. They felt better about each other and shifted the atmosphere in their home. Even their children were more content. The whole family embraced this new culture of appreciation.