That “magic ratio” is 5 to 1. This means that for every negative interaction during conflict, a stable and happy marriage has five (or more) positive interactions.
Conflict is a common occurrence in every marriage, whether it’s about sex, household chores, or finances. To distinguish between happy and unhappy couples, Dr. Gottman and Robert Levenson began studying couples in the 1970s. They asked couples to resolve a conflict in their relationship within 15 minutes and observed their interactions. After reviewing the tapes and following up with them nine years later, they were able to predict with over 90% accuracy which couples would stay together and which would divorce.
Their discovery was straightforward. Positive and negative interactions during conflict determine the difference between happy and unhappy couples. Love lasts when there is a specific ratio of positive to negative interactions. The “magic ratio” is 5 to 1, which means that for every negative interaction during conflict, a stable and happy marriage has five or more positive interactions.
According to Dr. Gottman, “When the masters of marriage are discussing something important, they may be arguing, but they also laugh, tease, and show signs of affection because they have made emotional connections.” In contrast, unhappy couples engage in fewer positive interactions to compensate for their increasing negativity. If the positive-to-negative ratio during conflict is 1-to-1 or less, it is unhealthy and indicates a couple on the verge of divorce.
So, what constitutes a negative interaction?
It is crucial to keep in mind that negative interactions can arise during conflicts. Such negative interactions may involve emotional dismissiveness, criticism, defensiveness, or negative body language, such as eye-rolling. Negativity holds a great deal of emotional power, which is why it takes five positive interactions to overcome any one negative interaction. It’s worth noting that negative interactions can occur even in healthy marriages, but they are quickly repaired and replaced with validation and empathy.
The Five Positive Interactions
Couples who have a successful marriage handle conflict differently than those who eventually break up. The successful couples tend to initiate conflict in a gentle way and make repairs in both minor and major ways that highlight the positivity in their relationship. Below is a list of interactions that stable couples regularly use to maintain positivity and closeness.
Be Interested
When your partner complains about something, do you listen? Are you curious about why he or she is so mad? Displaying interest includes asking open-ended questions, as well as more subtle signals such as nods, making eye contact, and timely “uh-huhs” that show how closely you are listening.
Express Affection
Do you hold hands with your partner, offer a romantic kiss, or embrace your partner when greeting them at the end of the day? Expressions of affection can happen in small ways both within and outside of conflict.
Within conflict, displays of physical and verbal affection reduce stress. If you’re having a difficult conversation and your partner takes your hand and says, “Gosh, this is hard to talk about. I really love you and I know we can figure this out together,” you will likely feel better because their display of affection is bound to reduce tension and bring you closer together.
Demonstrate They Matter
Our motto for making marriage last is “small things often.” The small acts that demonstrate you care are powerful ways to enhance the positivity in your marriage.
Bringing up something that is important to your partner, even when you disagree, demonstrates that you are putting their interests on par with yours and shows your partner that you care about them. And how you treat each other outside of conflict influences how well you’ll handle your inevitable disagreements.
For example, if your partner is having a bad day and you stop to pick up dinner on the way home, you’re showing him that he is on your mind. Those small gestures accumulate over time and will provide a buffer of positivity in your marriage so that when you do enter a conflict, it will be easier to engage in positive interactions that outweigh the negative.
Intentional Appreciation
How you think about your partner influences how you treat them. By focusing on the positives of your marriage such as the good moments from your past and your partner’s admirable traits, you put positive energy into your relationship.
Negativity is bound to enter your thoughts, especially during conflict. Intentionally focusing on the positive will counterbalance any of the moments when you struggle to find something good about your partner.
Now turn your thoughts into action: every time you express your positive thinking and give your partner a verbal compliment, no matter how small, you are strengthening your marriage.
Find Opportunities for Agreement
When couples fight, they focus on the negative parts of the conflict and miss the opportunities for what they agree on. When you seek opportunities for agreement and express yourself accordingly, you are showing that you see your spouse’s viewpoint as valid and that you care about them. An alliance in conflict, even minor, can fundamentally shift how couples fight.
Empathize and Apologize
Empathy is one of the deepest forms of human connection. When you empathize with your spouse, you show that you understand and feel what your partner is feeling, even if you express empathy nonverbally through a facial expression or a physical gesture.
Saying things like, “It makes sense to me that you feel…” will help your partner see that you are on their team. Empathy is a profound connecting skill that all romantic partners can and should improve, and there is no limit to the amount of empathy you can express.
And, if your partner is upset with something you said or did, simply apologize. If you can find a moment during conflict to say “I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. That makes me sad,” you will provide a positive and empathetic interaction that reinforces your bond.
Accept Your Partner’s Perspective
An approach that drastically improves conflict is understanding that each of your perspectives are valid, even if they are opposed to each other.
While you may not agree with your partner’s perspective, letting them know that their perspective makes sense will show them that you respect them. One of the best ways to do this is to summarize your spouse’s experience during a conflict, even if you disagree. Remember that validation doesn’t mean agreement, but it does signal respect.
Make Jokes
Playful teasing, silliness, and finding moments to laugh together can ease tension in a heated conflict. Most couples have inside jokes they only share with each other. This highlights the exclusivity a couple has.
However, a word of caution: remember to find a way to joke around that maintains respect and appreciation for your spouse and that serves to bring you both closer together.
Test Your Ratio If you suspect that your relationship is unbalanced, take a moment to observe how you and your partner interact. Do you notice more negative interactions than positive ones? If that’s the case, it’s time to take the initiative to create more positive interactions in your relationship. Remember to appreciate the small moments of positivity that currently exist in your relationship, and that you may have been overlooking